Changing Your Mood

Methods For Changing Your Mood
Moods are emotions, and emotions are feeling states affecting mind and body, thought and behavior, and yet distinct from those things. They are a fundamental part of human nature, much older in evolutionary terms than your ability to think. Before thought existed as such, emotions evolved as the most primary way for animals to make decisions about events in the world. The word "emotion" contains the root "motion". This is because emotions are motivating; they exist to push or lure us to move towards things we feel good about, and to want to avoid or escape from things we feel badly about. Emotions motivate us to behave in particular ways, sometimes with such intensity that thoughts and other rational considerations are pushed aside and we end up behaving in ways we know are bad for us.
People are capable of having all sorts of moods and emotions. The basic complement of emotions people are capable of includes anger, disgust, fear, joy, sadness, and surprise, according to researcher Paul Ekman, but other emotions, including anxiety, shame and guilt, become available as we mature and become a part of families and society.

Few people view positively toned emotions like joy as a problem. Instead, it is the negatively toned emotions and moods such as anger, anxiety, fear, and depression/sadness which people seek to change. The more chronically people experience these states, the more urgently they generally wish to be rid of them.

A variety of techniques are useful to know about for managing moods. We've already covered a very large and important technique, Cognitive Restructuring, in our discussion above concerning how thought habits may be changed. Cognitive restructuring is a method for changing thoughts. Because thoughts heavily influence and determine moods and emotion, changing the way that you think about things (the way you appraise and make sense of events) changes your moods. When you stop thinking in ways that make you sad, you end up feeling sad less often, in essence.

Cognitive restructuring is a method for fundamentally undermining and altering the causes of your chronic negative moods and emotions. Practiced regularly and accurately, it enables people to experience their problem moods less frequently, and less intensely. The method is best suited for preventing negative moods from occurring in the first place, or preventing negative moods from getting worse, however. In order for it to work, you need to be capable of thinking logically and rationally. It is very difficult to do that when you are emotional. You must turn to other techniques for calming yourself down when you are feeling upset.
Self-Soothing Techniques: Venting and Journaling
Use self-soothing techniques to calm yourself down when upset. Self-soothing techniques are methods for calming and relaxing the body and the mind and soothing jangled nerves:
 Venting and Journaling. People are social creatures. Most find comfort in talking about problems with others when they become upset. First, because the experience of being listened to and hopefully understood helps people to feel less alone in their pain. Second, because talking about a problem, taking the time to put it into words, helps people to get a grip on that problem and to see possibilities that weren't obvious before. There is a certain internal pressure that some emotions create inside people that requires expression. Talking about that pressured emotion, or the issues creating it helps to diffuse or vent the pressure and let off steam that might otherwise result in destructive behavior.

Venting generally requires an audience. You may be able to vent to trusted confidants (e.g., trusted friends, family, mentors, therapists, or clergy), but when you do this, keep in mind that your confidant is giving a gift to you of their time and attention each time they listen to you rant. If you continually vent to others without finding ways to give them back "gifts" of similar value (for instance, your taking time to listen to them vent and rant), you will likely burn out your friendship.

Journaling can provide a good outlet for times when you need to vent but don't have anyone to vent to. Journaling couldn't be simpler. You simply write about your experience and emotion. Whatever you might say to a confidant, you can simply write down in a journal entry. In effect, the journal itself becomes your confidant.

Though not offering the comforts of a human listener, journaling has some advantages of its own. Journaling can occur any time of day or night, and can go on for a long as you have pen and paper to spare. Unlike spoken venting which is lost forever once it leaves your mouth, you can look at your journal as a sort of self-monitoring tool. A review of your old journal entries reveals what problems you have succeeded in solving and what problems remain to work on.

The availability of online internet communities makes possible a new journaling format. You can join an online community, and vent your emotions to the small audience of members. You can do this any time of day or night, and, although other people get to read what you write, they are also able to comment on what you have written and provide valuable support or criticism.
Self-Soothing Techniques: Relaxation Methods, Progressive Muscle Relaxation, and Massage
Relaxation Methods. Negative emotion of any sort takes its toll on the body. Short, sharp emotions like anxiety and anger cause the body to tense up in preparation for action. Longer acting emotions like depression are associated with either tensions or fatigue. These muscular states are not mere products of the negative emotion, but rather are part and parcel of it. If you succeed in interrupting the muscular tension, you begin the process of defusing the negative emotion itself.

Several relaxation techniques have been developed which people can use to actively create a state of muscular and mental relaxation, even when they are wound up and tense. Many of these techniques work to create their relaxing effect by interrupting existing muscular tension states. Practice of these various relaxation strategies can help break down tension and promote a relaxed feeling state. Regular practice of these relaxation exercises can do something better, which is to help keep tension from returning.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation or PMR is a technique for creating muscular relaxation. It is safe and easy to do, costs nothing, and requires only a few minutes of privacy to make happen. PMR is based on two observations: 1) that muscles can be actively tensed, but not actively relaxed (relaxation depends on a "letting go" process, not a tension-producing one), and 2) that it is easier to relax and "let go" a muscle after it has just been tensed up, than it is to relax a muscle which has not been tensed up. A person practicing PMR first tenses and then lets go different muscle groups in sequence until they have tensed and then relaxed every muscle group in the body. By the end of the tension-relaxation cycle the body has entered into a deeper state of relaxation than would otherwise have been possible.

To perform PMR, lie down on the floor, or sit in a comfortable chair that supports your weight. Tense the muscles in your feet and hold them in tensions for about 10 seconds, being careful to not tense so tightly that cramps or pain occurs. At the end of the 10 seconds, release the tension and drop your feet, allowing them to come to rest as they will. Thereafter, do not try to occupy your feet, but rather leave them resting. When your feet have been tensed and then released, go on to the next muscle group, in this case, your thighs. Work through your entire body: feet, thighs, buttocks, stomach, chest, arms, neck, and then finally, facial muscles. When you have tensed and then released all the muscles in your body, take a survey of your body from the inside, using your attention to determine whether any new tension has crept into your feet, thighs, etc. while you were working the other parts. If you find tension during your survey, let it go as best you can. Lay there for a while enjoying the relaxation. Then, when you are ready, slowly start moving your muscles around again, reclaiming them. Get up when you are ready and go about your business. (think about doing an MP3 of PRM instruction). http://www.guidetopsychology.com/pmr.htm
Massage. The same principles that inform PMR also inform the practice of massage. Muscles are designed to create tension; they are not designed to efficiently relax. Muscular tension accumulates in the body in the form of chronically tensed muscles (often in the jaw, neck, shoulders, back, calves and feet). Some muscles may even develop spasms which are painful knots of contraction. Chronic muscular tension leads to a host of mental and physical problems, and can create negative mood states all by itself. Without intervention of some sort, there is little hope that this sort of chronic muscular tension will resolve on its own.

Therapeutic massage intervention involves having a trained masseuse exert pressure on the body to loosen up knotted muscles. There are several styles of therapeutic massage commonly practiced today. The most popular are Swedish and Shiatsu styles. Swedish massage style involves deep muscular manipulation (kneading and rubbing motions), while Shiatsu style involves manipulation of muscular pressure points. Both styles are effective so preference for one or the other tends to be a personal choice.

Massage is not a pure self-help method, simply because it cannot be easily performed on one's self. It is also a moderately expensive to expensive procedure (depending on where you go for massage). It is nevertheless a very effective and pleasant relaxation promoting technique and not one that most people think to partake of when they are upset. If you have the means to partake of massage when you are stressed or upset, consider doing so.

Self-Soothing Techniques: Autogenic Training and Yoga
Autogenic Training. Autogenic Training is a method for promoting a profoundly relaxed state of consciousness. The technique is very close to self-hypnosis; it is probably best considered a variation on the theme of self-hypnosis. It does not involve muscular contractions or other physical manipulation of the body as does PMR.

As is the case with self-hypnosis, autogenic training requires the practitioner to find a quiet and private spot where he or she can be alone for 20 or so minutes a day. Basically, the practitioner sits or lies down quietly and focused on inner experiences to the exclusion of outer ones. Practice starts with a breathing exercise probably adapted from yogic pranayama practice; while breathing deeply, breaths are exhaled slowly so that it takes twice as long to exhale as it does to breath in. This breathing exercise provides a centering feeling of peace and calm. Once the breathing portion of the program is done, the practitioner imagines inner sensations of heaviness and warmth in a guided fashion, and repeats suggestive phrases to this effect, "My right arm is feeling heavy". There is an entire recommended sequence of things to imaging and suggest to yourself which takes about two months to complete. The more you practice this technique, the better you become at entering into the calm and relaxed autogenic state.

A complete list of step by step instructions for autogenic training are available here

Biofeedback and Neurofeedback, discussed above, has a long history of use as a relaxation aide. (link to previous discussion of Biofeedback and Neurofeedback)
Yoga and Pranayama. To someone living in the developed world, yoga seems like a relatively new sort of exercise program that has a lot to do with stretching. In fact, yoga is part of a very old "self-help" sort of tradition going back literally thousands of years, which was (and still is) a means of spiritual practice in parts of India. The name yoga derives from the Sanskrit roots for "yoke" (as in the sort of wooden frame that might be placed onto horses to keep them walking in a straight line) as well as for "union". The various exercises and practices making up yoga were designed to tame the various forces inside the mind and body that want to walk in different directions and bring them together with a single purpose of becoming more holy. The system of physical yoga, known as Hatha Yoga, that has recently become popular is the most basic form of yoga designed to promote physical strength, flexibility and balance. The thinking was that physical fitness provides a foundation upon which mental and spiritual fitness can occur, and that it is therefore necessary to achieve a certain level of physical fitness before mental fitness is going to become an achievable goal. Regardless of whether you agree this is true there is no denying that the regular practice of Hatha Yoga provides its students with a wealth of benefits, among them opportunities for profound relaxation, improved mental and emotional control, and freedom from the aches and pains of aging.

The practice of hatha yoga involves the mastery of various physical postures, most of which are named in mimicry of animal motions or various images that suggest strength, flexibility or relaxation. "Downward Facing Dog", "Mountain Pose", and "Half Moon Pose" are three such names. A typical hatha yoga teacher will lead her students through a balanced range of these poses, lasting for about 90 minutes. The poses are deceptively simple to perform. It is relatively easy to approximate them, but months and years of gradually increasing strength and flexibility must occur before they can be mastered.
Yoga poses promote physical strength, balance and flexibility and do so in a gradual manner. These qualities improve slowly, over time. As they improve, so too does practitioners ability to relax deeply, to shrug off mild anxiety and depression states, and to feel more generally at ease in their own bodies.

In yoga, prana is a name given to the life force or spirit, which is thought to be allied with breathing. As students begin to master basic hatha yoga practices, they may be exposed to the practice of Pranayama, or breath manipulation. Pranayama students learn how to manipulate their breathing in a deliberate and conscious way. In so doing, they learn how to manipulate and control their emotions and mood states, for the two are quite distinctly linked in practice.

We are not aware of scientific studies validating the claims made for Pranayama. Nevertheless, our own limited experience would suggest that it is indeed a valuable practice for people seeking to learn how to control their moods to explore. Pranayama supposedly can be dangerous if taught or learned incorrectly and we have no basis upon which to dispute this sort of warning. The student is thus cautioned to only pursue the study of pranayama in its proper context (e.g., as an advanced part of traditional yoga study which must be preceded by mastery of a certain level of hatha yoga as taught by a qualified teacher). Our advice is to seek out a qualified yoga teacher and start at the beginning so that you get the full and properly balanced benefit of the marvelous teaching that is yoga
Self-Soothing Techniques: Meditation
Meditation. Most people have very little control over their minds. Though they can certainly take control when they need to, in order to concentrate on a project or problem, for instance, when they are not concentrating, their minds wander, daydream, and chatter incessantly. They want things, even things that are very impractical to want, or very dangerous. They worry about things, even things that are very unreasonable to worry about. These desires and worries greatly influence people's moods, especially the negative ones that people become motivated to change.
The mind's desires and worries wouldn't matter so much - wouldn't have so much power over people's moods - if they didn't take them seriously. Most people do take them seriously, however. They are identified with their thoughts and feelings - embedded in them - lacking in a certain kind of perspective necessary to understand that just because something feels urgent doesn't actually make it urgent.
Without this perspective, people become defined by and overly identified with their moment to moment desires and worries and spend their time running around endlessly trying to satisfy them - a truly thankless and impossible task.
Meditation techniques are designed to help people grow a larger perspective on the contents of their mind. With this perspective, people can move from being their moment to moment worries and desires, to having their moment to moment worries and desires. Instead of being worried, people can start to understand that they are experiencing a worrying feeling. The same old worries and desires are still there after growing the new perspective, but now they are things you can manipulate and choose whether to take seriously or not, rather than things that define you as a person. Because the new perspective allows you to view your mental landscape in a new and powerfully freeing way, it is sometimes referred to as the "witness consciousness
The term "meditation" refers to a family of methods; not to a single one. Any method that promotes the growth of the witness consciousness, the expanded perspective from which to view ones mind can be said to be meditation.
The most commonly used method for meditating could not be simpler to do. You simply sit on the floor with your legs crossed (or sit in a chair, or lay down, depending on what is comfortable), and then quiet yourself and remain there. This will feel incredibly unnatural at first. You will likely experience an urge to move around, to scratch, or to get up and do something. You may even experience some anxiety. This is okay. The nature of the task is to simply observe these urges and sensations as they occur, and then to let them go when they are no longer urgent. Don't act on these urges, but instead simply observe them. A variety of thoughts and feelings will parade through your mind making their usual demands; your task is to observe them rather than to respond to them. Hold on to nothing; just watch. If you get distracted and start acting on an urge, just note that this occurred and go back to your watching. Sit there and observe for 20 or so minutes (set a timer so you don't have to watch the clock - which will kill the experience). When the timer goes off, get up and go about your business.
Meditation is not something that will pay off quickly. In fact, it will take quite a long time of regular practice before you will "get it" and start feeling the benefits it has to offer. Practice meditating every day at a regular time, for a regular duration. Remain alert during your practice; do not go to sleep! Be patient. Ultimately, your perspective will start to evolve and you will grow more able to choose your moods and reactions instead of them choosing you. Meditation practitioners typically report feeling much calmer than they did prior to meditation, and much more focused and clear-minded. The stressful things that used to distract and torture them fall away.
More information on meditation is available here. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meditation)
Self-Soothing Techniques: Distraction
Self-soothing methods help to sooth calm and relax you when you are upset. However, they are not the only reasonable approach to helping alter your unwanted moods. Sometimes, as the saying goes, a change is as good as a rest.
 Distraction. Distraction is a surprisingly effective technique for changing your mood. When you realize that you have become upset, choose to interrupt your negative mood by engaging in something that distracts you from what has upset you. For best results, the thing you engage yourself in as a means of distraction should be both absorbing and interesting to you. Doing this thing should either require your full attention, or be so absorbing of your attention that you will forget yourself. Watching a movie or TV show, surfing the net, reading a book, listening to (energizing) music, calling a friend, and exercising are good examples of the latter, while engaging in detail-oriented tasks like writing, programming, cleaning your house, weeding your garden, playing music or singing or otherwise being artistic, or organizing your files are examples of the former. You should do something you like doing if at all possible. Work can be a fine distraction if you like working or find it absorbing, but it won't work out well if you don't.

Distraction works because it interrupts your mood and forces you to "shift gears". Many negative moods contain an element of rumination to them. When you ruminate, you go over your problem or worry again and again in your mind. Each time you go over your problem or worry, you reinforce its grip on you. Distraction breaks this grip by forcing you to think about other things. If the thing you distract yourself with is sufficiently compelling or demanding of your attention, you will temporarily stop ruminating and start to feel better. Maybe not good, but better.

Distraction is not anything more than a temporary respite or reprieve from negative moods. It is not a permanent cure or fix and should not be thought of as one.

Some people feel a responsibility to their negative moods. Guilty or grieving people feel that they will be betraying someone or something if they stop feeling badly, for instance. If this is an issue for you, rest assured that your guilt or grief will return shortly. It is safe for you to distract yourself, because your pain will be waiting for you after a short break.

One reason why distraction is not more popular as a means of coping with negative moods is because it goes against conventional wisdom which suggests that you have to face down your troubling emotions before you can escape them. From this point of view, saying that its okay to distract yourself when you feel bad is akin to saying that denial is a good way of life. This is a false argument, however. It is true that a certain amount of facing or learning to accept negative emotions is a healing thing. The less you struggle against negative emotions, the less you have to feel badly about. It is also true that sometimes negative emotions can be overwhelming, and you really need a break from them. You need to find a personally appropriate balance between dealing directly with such moods and escaping from them in order to have the best chance of healing.
 Organization. A very good way to distract yourself productively is to do something to better organize your life. By organize your life we mean clean and order your living or working spaces, your personal calendar, the way you handle your finances, your computer, or the way you dress, exercise and generally carry yourself. Cleaning your house can be an incredibly empowering thing to do, especially when you are feeling bad. Typically, when you are feeling badly, you are also feeling out of control. Your internal state is often a reflection of your external state. When your environment is messy, you feel messy inside. When this is the case, any time you spend organizing your environment (your home or work environment, etc.) is also time you spend building up your own personal sense of control and accomplishment. Your efforts to organize your life are thus both distracting from your mood, and separately empowering and confidence building. It's a simple thing, but it works.
 Comedy and Humor. Another good way to distract yourself is to immerse yourself in comedy and humor. Watch a funny movie or TV show. Listen to a favorite comedian's routine. Read a funny book or magazine. Find something that will make you forget yourself and laugh out loud for a while.

When you're feeling anxious or down, you tend to have a rather grim face, and your thoughts, which are keyed to your emotions, are similarly grim. By laughing, you engage facial and body muscles associated with positive emotions. As these emotions are enacted, however temporarily, it will become slightly easier for you to remember positive thoughts and positive memories. It's a temporary effect, to be sure, but it can be a relief. Laughing also has a relaxing effect, and will help to reduce body tension.
Self-Soothing Techniques: Physical Exercise
Physical Exercise is an incredibly powerful and compact means of altering your mood. Regular physical exercise offers many of the benefits of the other techniques we've described for controlling moods. It distracts you by causing you to attend to your body sensations rather than to your agitated thoughts. It relaxes and physically exhausts you (after a workout is complete), helping you sleep soundly. It removes the kinks from your muscles and helps you to stay limber and strong. It elevates your mood directly (during and just after a workout) by increasing circulation of naturally occurring body chemicals known as endorphins. Finally, it increases your overall general health and stamina and strongly prevents the development of numerous disabling diseases that otherwise would make life difficult in later years. There is a certain amount of physical pain involved in exercise, but if you can get past that, the benefits are enormous.
An isolated exercise session will be useful for altering mood, mostly because it will be distracting and physically exhausting. However, for maximum benefit, including some prophylactic (preventative) protection from negative moods, exercise should be fairly vigorous and repeated multiple times per week.
Most all aerobic exercise, regularly practiced, will provide benefits.
 Calisthenics (jumping jacks, push-ups, sit ups, etc
 Exercise classes (Aerobics, Spinning, Jazzercize, Yoga, Pilates, etc.)
 Team sports (baseball, softball, rowing, golf, etc.)
 Solo sports (jogging, swimming, hiking, climbing, etc.)
 Working out with weights or "Nautilus" style machines.
 Martial arts
Yoga offers a particularly well balanced and designed exercise program for those who like it (provided that you pursue it regularly and progress through to intermediate classes where the poses begin to require strength to master).

See our article on how to create an exercise program for yourself for more information.
Before we leave this section entirely, we wish you to think about two different ways you can use these techniques for controlling your mood.
 You can use them (some of them anyway; the ones that don't require much practice) on an as-needed basis, pulling them out when you are feeling badly, and then putting them back away when you feel better. For instance, if you find that you get into a bad mood after dealing with a particular person or repeating event, you can use these techniques before you encounter that person, as a kind of inoculation (like a vaccine to keep you from getting the flu) so that your mood is less effected when you do encounter that person.
 You can also use them on a regular basis so as to gain a protective and preventative effect. When you regularly practice these techniques, you are simply less susceptible to negative moods. They will occur less frequently, and when they do occur, they will likely be less intense or at least shorter in duration. In effect, regular practice of these methods helps you build Emotional Resilience; an important topic on which we have much more to say in this separate document Emotional Resilience article.
As-needed usage of these techniques (the first way) are helpful for defusing your negative reaction to existing crises and problems. However, regular use of these techniques (the second way) gives you an opportunity for something even more precious; the opportunity to avoid feeling negative in the first place, or to feel less negative, for less time. If you have the time and attention to spare, you will be rewarded for your regular practice.
Chapter 7 - Changing Your Knowledge
Changing Your Knowledge, Skills and Abilities and Credentials
Knowledge, and skills are different but related sorts of things. Knowledge has to do with what you know; what you are aware of and what you understand about how things work and how things fit together. You may have come by knowledge first hand through life experience, or you could have taken it from books, websites and other means of recording. Skill or ability, on the other hand describes your ability to influence things; to take what you know and apply it so as to cause a real effect to occur. A certain amount of knowledge is a prerequisite of skill; you can't be skillful without first being knowledgeable However, you can easily be knowledgeable without being very skillful. Knowing something intellectually is a very different thing than knowing how to make practical use of knowledge.

When the world was young and people lived exclusively in small tribal and family groups everyone knew each other intimately. Everyone's areas of strength and weakness were common knowledge and there was no need for certification. The modern world is a far more complex place. Knowledge has become highly developed and specialized and it is no longer possible for one person to know it all, first of all. Secondly, it is now normal for people who are essentially strangers to one another to work together for the same employer. People need to have ways of demonstrating that they have mastered bodies of knowledge and skill to strangers who don't know them. Credentials, such as high school and university diplomas, professional certifications, and commercial licenses issued by trusted institutions and governments have become the way that people demonstrate their accomplishments to one another.

Life problems can be caused by a lack of knowledge, skills or ability, or credentials at most any stage of life. Your ability to learn more advanced knowledge and skill depends on your having first learned basic knowledge and skills. If you never are able to master basic knowledge and skills, your opportunities for further advancement will become very limited.
 As a young child you might struggle to learn to read. You may lack proper instruction, or have an undetected learning disability. You may be left back a grade, or be passed on without having mastered that important skill. You may reach adulthood without having mastered reading if your circumstances are not fortunate. Because reading is a prerequisite for later knowledge acquisition, your ability to learn further knowledge will be severely stunted and your access to opportunities in life that depend on this further learning may also become artificially limited.
 As a young person you may find yourself interested in someone as a potential romantic partner, but honestly not know how to approach them. Feeling unable to ask someone out on a date or make your feelings known for fear of making a fool of yourself can lead to painful self-doubt, a lack of self-worth feelings, and (if the situation does not resolve) years of lost time and experience that you cannot recover.
 As an adult you might be interested in performing a particular sort of work but lack knowledge, skill or credentials necessary to take on that sort of work. Being prevented from working in this manner may cause you to be depressed. If your lack of knowledge, skill or credentials is keeping you from working at all, you may find yourself hungry; an altogether worse situation.
 Also as an adult you may become depressed and then not know what to do to help yourself recover from that depression. Because you don't know what to do to cast off the depression, you may suffer with it for a longer than necessary time.
In all these cases, it is possible to improve your situation through study, practice, or enrollment in a credentialing program (assuming that you have access to the resources necessary to study, or practice, or enroll in a credentialing program). Studying helps you to gain the knowledge you lack, practice helps you to build and improve skills, and enrollment in a credentialing program (such as a college, university, or training institute) will, if you are able to stick with it for the duration, result in your being issued a credential that may open doors for you that were previously closed.
Skills such as reading are basic and should be mastered before you can help yourself to learn on your own. If you cannot read your first step towards improving your knowledge should be to learn how to read. Search the LiteracyDirectory.org website for assistance locating an adult literacy program near you. If a telephone is handier than the Internet, you can call the National Literacy Hotline at 1-800-228-8813 for similar referrals. Many communities have adult literacy programs offering assistance with reading and writing for native speakers and persons learning English as a second language.
If literacy is not an issue for you, you are faced with a different set of starting problems. You must figure out what to study; what body of knowledge you should learn in order to best fulfill your need or desire. You must also figure out whether you should peruse that course of study in a formal, public manner, which will result in your earning a certificate, or if you would be better off learning in a more private, relaxed self-study manner.

Personal Knowledge and Informal Learning
Some problems caused by a lack of knowledge or skill are purely personal in nature. They affect how you live your life, and solving them would make your life easier, but even if you do succeed in mastering skills necessary to overcome such problems, it is unlikely that anyone will ever ask you to prove that this is the case. Examples of purely personal problems like this might include not knowing how to behave during a date, or how to beat a depressed mood. Problems of this personal nature can be pursued independently by way of self-study.
There are many places you might look to learn about the area of knowledge you lack. You might:
 Search the internet for information on your topic (as you are currently doing).
 Search your local library or bookstore for books, workbooks and magazine articles relating to your topic. Obtaining a workbook and following the exercises described therein can be a particularly helpful thing to do.
 Take classes relating to your topic offered by local institutions and experts.
 Hire the services of a local teacher who is expert in your topic
 Join a club or attend a support group (local or online) relating to your topic so as to socialize with other people interested in addressing your topic.
These varying ways of learning about a given topic can be mixed and matched in different combinations as best fits your needs.
The first two suggestions above encourage you to study prepared written materials on your own, while the latter three encourage you to take a more social route and learn from others who are struggling with your issue or who have mastered it. Both types of knowledge (individual study and social study) are valuable. Individual study exposes you to ideas in an efficient and systematic manner that is unlikely to be available to you outside of a structured class. Alternatively, social opportunities for learning can help you to meet and form valuable relationships with other people who can expose you to new ideas, encourage you to read new authors or explore new techniques and methods, and provide you with opportunities (such as jobs !) that you would not otherwise have known about. The process of forming relationships with other people who share similar learning interests is known as Networking, and networking is very important.

A major advantage of pursuing a social path towards learning is that the people you interact with can help guide and motivate you to continue on your learning path. This is especially important when the going is rough and you would otherwise be easily discouraged. For example, alcoholics and other addicts who do not understand the practical things they need to do to reign in and control their drug use cannot generally hope to learn how to be sober on their own. Caught between cravings and withdrawal symptoms, such people are under enormous pressure to keep using. Their behavior is out of their control, and they really need a group of people around them to help them set limits for themselves. Formal rehabilitation and drug treatment programs and more informal twelve step style programs can help provide this needed limit setting in a way a book or internet site cannot.
Learning is a difficult process during the best of situations There are always complex choices to make. Having an experienced guide to help you navigate makes learning that much easier to complete. A Mentor is someone with more experience and knowledge than yourself who takes an interest in your growth and agrees to help guide your progress.
It is a good idea for people engaged in a learning process to seek out mentors to help guide their growth.

Mentors can offer their services on a formal or informal basis. They may volunteer their mentoring services, or receive compensation for them. Master tradespeople and professors who agree to take on apprentices are serving in a formal mentor role, as are sober sponsors who agree to sponsor new twelve step members. However, an experienced co-worker who provides friendly advice just because he or she likes you can also be thought of as a mentor. You can have one or more mentors at a time, or across your learning career. As you gain in mastery of your area of learning, you can help younger students by agreeing to mentor them.
Public, Documented Knowledge and Credential Programs
If your reason for wanting to learn knowledge and skills has to do with qualifying for a particular sort of work that interests you, you will almost certainly want to enter into a formal and accredited learning program that will result in your receiving a certificate such as a high school or college diploma or which will qualify you to sit for a license examination (such as a realtor's or a counselor's license). In other words, you'll have to go back to school.
School can be expensive and frustrating at any time of life. When you return to school as an adult it can be even more frustrating however, as you may have to balance the demands of your school program with other family or work demands. You may need to take out loans in order to afford school in the first place. School will take time away from other important areas of your life, including family and work. Also, it is likely that you will be required to take at least some classes that seem irrelevant to what you really want to learn. However you slice it, going to school will require sacrifice. What justifies sacrificing to attend school is that when you do so, you are investing in your future earning potential and happiness.

Like any investment, attending school and receiving a certificate diploma might pay off very well, or it might not; there is no guarantee For this reason, you should plan your school program very carefully before committing to it. Not all degrees are equal. Some degrees are much more sought after by potential employers than others. Some jobs that a degree may qualify you for are much more flexible in terms of the demands they place on your lifestyle than others. It's not a good idea to study something purely because it is enjoyable to you; doing so may make it very difficult to find a job when you leave school, thus defeating the purpose of attending at all from many people's point of view. You should have an idea of what the course of study will prepare you for before you commit yourself. Your choice of study should take all of your needs and the needs of your family, including your personal interests and your financial needs both, into account.

Learning Knowledge vs. Skill
In order to learn, you must study. In order to study, you must committing yourself to going over lectures, books, websites, other written materials, picking up the concepts and facts that are taught therein, and assembling them in your head into an integrated system that makes sense. You should emerge not with a random unconnected collection of facts, but rather with a unified understanding of how all the facts fit together in the area you are studying. You will know when you've mastered an area of study when you no longer have to rely on memorization of isolated pieces of knowledge in order to come up with correct answers, but instead are able to "see" the shape of those missing pieces in your head because the rest of the system implies them.
 Study Skills. Studying is a skill you learn how to do well; it is not inborn or instinctual, but rather takes practice and commitment to get right. Effective study habits help you retain what you learn and to organize what you learn into a system of knowledge. When you know how to study properly you tend to get better grades on tests of your knowledge than you do when you don't know how to study. More importantly, you tend to understand the material you study better (more completely) when you have studied it well vs. when you have not.

Some people are born smart and think they don't need to study. While in grade school, they don't have to study as much to get good grades as the other people around them who aren't so gifted. However, this advantage only lasts so long. When the material people study becomes more complicated and advanced (as it does when you attend college or graduate school), even smart people have to learn how to study if they are to do well. It is not a good idea to rely on being smart as a strategy for learning. At some point smart is not enough, and you have to learn to study properly if you are to make progress. You might as well learn how to study properly now.
 Here are some basic tips for studying properly and well:
 Make study a priority. You only have so much energy, and if you leave study for the last thing you do you will not have energy for it. Study during your "prime time" hours, when you are still energetic enough to engage. Do not study when you are tired or fatigued.
 Quiet your mind before you begin a period of study. Do what you can to put your other concerns and worries down for a time and allow yourself to focus exclusively on the material you need to learn
 Schedule frequent and regular periods of study; every day if possible and roughly at the same time of day. It is better to study a little bit every day than a whole lot once per week. Studying frequently keeps material fresh in your mind and helps you to organize it. Scheduling your study period at a regular time helps you to make it a priority.
 Make notes as you listen to lectures or read. When you are done reading, take your notes and then re-write them so that they make more sense and restate what you've learned. It is a real "pain-in-the-butt" to do this rewriting, but it truly helps you retain and organize what you are learning. The more you "process" and organize the material you're learning, the more completely you will learn it.
 Work out the steps to any problems you need to calculate or reason through in order to solve. Most textbooks show only partial solutions to problems. If you accept what they offer you, you will have memorized the solution, but not understood why and how it works. Don't be satisfied with mere memorization. Instead, work through the steps until they make sense to you. If they don't make sense to you despite your efforts, seek the aid of a more experienced student or teacher who can help you see what you are missing.
 Where and when you don't understand things, ask questions until you do.
 Don't allow yourself to procrastinate. Do your homework in advance of when it is due. Start papers and other assignments in advance of when they are due, especially when they aren't due for some time.
 If your teacher is a poor communicator, either fire your teacher and find a new one who is a better communicator, or hire some other teacher on the side to help you comprehend what you are learning.
Learning Knowledge vs. Skill: Practice
Knowledge can be studied, but skills you desire to learn or improve must be practiced. You have to practice - to do - skills in order to learn them. This is because, generally knowledge is something you learn mentally and abstractly, while skills involve some amount of physical coordination, or experiential learning to take place. Skills are connected to the world and allow you to manipulate the world, while knowledge is more intangible. Skills you can learn include: how to speak in public, how to build a house or fix a leaky washer on a faucet, how to make a web page, how to ask out someone on a date, and how to cook a meal. You can learn such skills or others in a class or group, or from a description printed in a book or web page - but they won't help you and you won't learn them unless you practice them.
The old saying, "Practice Makes Perfect" is only partially correct. It is very much true that the more you practice something, the easier it will become. However, there is not necessarily a relationship between how often you practice and how well you execute a given skill. It is entirely possible for you to learn a skill incorrectly, or to introduce bad habits and poor form into a skill you spend a lot of time practicing. Bad habits or poor form may endanger you at a later time. For this reason, it is a good idea to get an experienced person who has mastered the skills you are pursuing to periodically view your practice and give you corrective feedback so that you stay on the right path while learning.
If you don't have access to an expert, you can become your own expert by videotaping or recording your performance and then critiquing it during playback. Practice only makes perfect to the extent that you practice correctly!
New skills you practice will very likely feel odd when you first attempt them. You will be trying to do something new, and you may be uncoordinated at first, or feel self conscious. The more you practice, the more such feelings will recede

It is one thing to practice by yourself or with a small group; it is another entirely to perform a skill in public situations. It is quite common to feel some anxiety or "stage fright" the first couple times you perform a skill in real life situations Anxiety can be distracting and it can keep you from smoothly executing the skill you've learned. You can loosen the effect of anxiety on your performance (and lessen your anxiety at the same time), by practicing your particular skill over and over and over again in a process called Overlearning. When you overlearn you deeply ingrain action routines and habits necessary for your skill performance into your brain so much so that they become independent of you having to think about them in order to perform them. Once overlearning has occurred, it doesn't matter that your mind becomes clouded with anxiety and you get distracted, because your performance no longer requires you to think clearly.

For best results you should practice in as close to real-life conditions as you can. For example, if you are practicing a stage performance, you should practice on the actual stage you will perform on if at all possible. If you are practicing faucet repair, you should practice taking apart an actual faucet again and again until it becomes second nature.
If it is not possible to practice in a realistic setting, you will still benefit from practicing. Simply practice in as close to a realistic situation as you can, and use your imagination to fill in the gaps.
Time Management and Organization
Many people are discouraged from trying to learn new knowledge or skills because of time issues. They already feel that their lives are too busy and they don't see how it is possible to fit more commitments into their already jammed schedules. Other people take an overly laid-back approach to new knowledge acquisition. They sign themselves up for classes and programs and then don't take those classes and programs seriously. They show up late for class, or study in a haphazard manner. They may procrastinate with regard to assignments. At the end of the semester (when the course is over) they wonder why their grades are so low!

Both types of people described above might benefit from improving their time management and organization skills.

The first type of people (who shy away from new challenges because they are "too busy") might actually be able to make the necessary time available if they participate in a values clarification session (so as to figure out whether new learning might be more important than other current commitments), and then (if it is more important to learn), a careful rearrangement of current commitments and responsibilities so as to move aside things that are less important and make room for learning. Normally scheduled events (like preparing dinner, or paying bills, or child care) might be able to be put off for a while, or given over to someone else in the family so as to make room for school a few nights per week, for example.

The second type of people (who take an overly laid back approach to learning) might do much better in their chosen programs if they actually made school a priority, attended class on schedule and studied regularly (as our study skills section recommends). Many things can be accomplished in life when you prioritize them, and then take them seriously enough to see that they get done in a timely manner
Time management skills boil down to awareness, organization and commitment. You need to become aware of and record everything you're doing so that important things get done on time and nothing has a chance to sneak up on you. You also need to commit to keeping your schedule, and not wandering off when something more momentarily interesting occurs. Time management and organization skills are applicable to a wide range of life tasks you might decide to take on. They will benefit you broadly in what ever you might do.
The awareness part of time management corresponds to self-monitoring methods from our section on habit change. In this case, what you need to self-monitor are your commitments and how much time you spend on them. Commitments are appointments, or things you have to do like errands, or attending a class. They are also the things you choose to do when you are avoiding your actual commitments (such as spending time hanging out with your friends). Some commitments are predictable and follow a formal schedule, while others are informal and occur more spontaneously. You have explicit commitments (like classes and times you need to pick your children up from day care) and also implicit commitments (like the time you'll need to put in studying for tests, or researching and preparing presentations). Make sure you schedule time for both commitment types!
Time Management and Organization: Commitment Mapping
In order to get a grip on your many commitments, you need to map them all out, and then monitor how much time you spend on each one. With this data in hand, you'll be able to figure out what you are spending too much time on and what needs more of your time. Prioritize your tasks in order of importance, feeling free to delete those that aren't important or won't get you ahead in life, and adding those that will help you advance your agenda. Be sure to leave yourself adequate time in between commitments so that you can get from one to another.
People typically have many commitments, and only one tiny brain. In order to keep all of your commitments in memory at any given moment, it is absolutely essential that you write them down in a day planner (nice!) or on index cards (cheap!), or record them into an electronic Personal Data Assistant (or PDA) such as a Palm Pilot or Windows ® CE device. PDAs have many nice features, not the least of which is that you can set alarms on commitments you record therein so that you'll have a warning before they start. Inexpensive PDAs can be purchased for under $100 USD at most electronic stores.

Once you meet a commitment (e.g., attend that class, make that telephone call, pay that bill) check it off your list of commitments. Reschedule any commitments you weren't able to make on a given day for the next day, so that you don't miss any entirely.

As you go through your days, opportunities will come up that you'll want to take advantage of. Some things can't be planned. You will also find that ideas come to you for things you'd like to do. If you can write down your idea and then act on it later, when you can make time for it, then do so (don't engage it at the expense of your regular commitments!). Otherwise, take advantage of the new opportunity and rearrange your schedule so that it fits your new priorities.

As much as time management is about regimenting your life and sticking to that regimen, it is also about finding ways to make your life simpler and less complex. The more commitments you can throw out, the more time you have to devote to what is important. So time management also includes things like:
 Learning to say assertively say "no" to people who ask you to take on inconvenient non-emergency responsibilities. (link to discussion of Assertiveness Training in this article)
 Altering cherished family roles as necessary to meet goals. For example, if you usually prepare a family meal, don't feel obligated to do so on nights when you have to study - use a prepared salad instead or some take out, or ask your spouse to to the honors that evening.
 Learning to let go of "status" and "highest quality" in favor of "convenient" to the extent that doing this does not compromise your values! There really are good reasons to go out of your way for quality sometimes (for instance, organic and whole grain foods really are better for your health than conventionally grown and refined foods). Sometimes you will decide that it it is worth the extra time or expense it might cost to meet a commitment in a quality way, and sometimes you will note that nothing serious is compromised if you do a little less (for instance, it's okay to shop at the local grocery rather than the one across town, because even though you might pay more at the local grocery, it takes less time).
Because any rearrangement of your commitments will affect the people you live with and who depend upon you, you should make it a point to coordinate any changes you make with them, and see if you can't get everyone's buy-in for those changes. Making room for new commitments and rearranging old ones generally feels like a sacrifice to other people involved who will be getting less of your attention then they are used to. Don't try to hide this fact, but instead talk about the benefits of what you will be doing; how going back to school will make it easier for you to get a better job which will improve everyone's lives, for instan

Mental Health - Self Talk

Understanding the Problems in life

Introduction
Assuming that you've determined that self-help is an appropriate approach for addressing your problems, your next step is to develop an accurate understand of your problem. You have to understand what is happening to cause you pain or difficulty, and why it is happening before you can hope to improve your situation.
Your life is a complicated thing with many aspects to it. It is convenient to divide your life up into parts, which we can call "life-domains" so as to be able to talk about one part of your life at a time. We need to be able to do this because while some problems affect many aspects of your life (many "life-domains") at once, other problems are fairly domain specific. In such cases, we want to be able to identify just the parts of your life that are affected by your problem, so that we can give them special attention. Also, because different aspects of your life are often addressed best with different methods, it is helpful to be able to describe how even complex problems affect the different aspects of your life, so that you can address each aspect in turn. Breaking problems down in this manner helps you to solve them more easily.

Identify What Life Domains Are Affected
A good first step towards figuring out what is wrong (if it isn't already obvious to you) is to identify which parts of your life are most affected by your problem. Mental health professionals have developed various classification schemes useful for describing the important aspects of people's lives. A reasonably comprehensive summary list of life's various aspects or domains is presented below. In order to better help you appreciate the importance and scope of each domain presented in this list, we have included a list of questions to ask yourself regarding each one. If you can answer these questions for a given domain without having problems come to your mind, you probably don't have any serious problems with regard to that life domain.
§ Physical and Mental Health. Your physical and mental health are the foundation upon which the rest of your life sits. Problems with physical or mental health are basic and tend to affect you on many levels. You have the potential to positively influence your health by making time to take good care of yourself (exercising regularly, eating healthy food and getting enough sleep), and by following doctor's instructions when you are prescribed a treatment regime. Physical and mental problems can be obvious or subtle. Consider the following questions to give yourself a sense as to whether your problem has to do with your physical or mental health:

Are you physically healthy?
Do you feel well? Do you feel energetic?
Do you exercise regularly?
Do you regularly eat a nutritionally sound diet?
Do you get enough sleep?
Are you over-using or abusing alcohol, drugs of any kind or any foods?
Do you binge on food or purge foods (by use of self-directed vomiting or laxatives)?
Spirituality and Values.Though you may be physically healthy, you're unlikely to feel settled and comfortable if you don't have a set of values and/or spiritual beliefs that help anchor you and guide your actions and decisions. Even when people have a good set of values, they don't always follow those values. Conflicts between what you know you should do and what you end up doing can sometimes cause problems too. Consider the following questions to determine if your issue has to do with your spiritual beliefs or your values
Do you have a strong sense of your values (e.g., what is right and what is wrong)?
Are you able to live your values by putting them into action in your daily life (if not, does that bother you?)
Do you take part in any spiritual practices? If not, would you like to?
Do you have spiritual beliefs? If so, are these beliefs helping or hindering you in living a satisfactory life?
If you don’t have what you consider spiritual beliefs, would you like to develop some? Do you think this would be helpful to you?
§
Social Problems
§ Family and Friendships.
People are social creatures who usually need the comfort and support of healthy relationships with other people before they can feel truly good about themselves. Forming and maintaining healthy relationships is easy for some people to accomplish, but other people find it a perilously difficult task. Some people have specific difficulties forming particular kinds of relationships. They may have good friendships, but be uncomfortable in a dating or romantic setting. They may have had a difficult family life while growing up, but have been able to marry well. Other people have a difficult social time all around, with a difficult family life, few friends and no prospects for satisfying adult relationships. Consider the following questions to determine if your issues have something to do with your social life:
§ Are you lonely?
§ Are you shy?
§ Do you get along with family members or are family gatherings sources of stress and pain?
§ Are there specific family members or friends who are difficult to be with?
§ Would you like to resolve any issues with family members or friends?
§ How close are you with your family and friends? Would you like to be closer?
§ Would you like to be less dependent on family because being with them isn’t good for you?
§ Do you have at least one or two close friends (not your family) who are supportive of you?
§ Is it hard for you to meet people (friends, romantic partners, etc.)
§ Do you have a lover or romantic partner?
§ Are you feeling you would like some or more romance, intimacy and/or sexual involvement in your life?
Jobs, Careers and Meaningful Activities.
In addition to having a healthy social life, most people feel the need to engage themselves in productive and meaningful work. Sometimes this work is performed in exchange for money (as when someone writes a book, cooks a meal, cuts grass or performs other labor or services to benefit someone), sometimes it is performed for love (as when a mother or father spends time parenting their children), and sometimes it is performed simply as a means of doing something useful to benefit their community (such as when a retiree volunteers at the library). Though work may be performed for money, there are often other important payoffs that people engaged in such work get in addition to money (such as a teacher's satisfaction at seeing a child learn). Some people are lucky to find work and meaningful activities that fit their personality and interests, while others end up feeling trapped in careers that don't seem to suit them. Still others would like to work, but can't find any that lasts. Most everyone has to deal with intense work pressure to perform. Consider the following questions to help you determine whether your work or committed activity life is part of your problem:
Are you happy and satisfied with your work or career? If not, what is wrong with what you do?
Is there anything you would like to change about your job, career direction, or other activity? Would you like to explore other options?
Whether or not you work, do you pursue any other meaningful activities that help you feel like you're doing something useful or fun (such as involvement in: a senior center, school, volunteer work, a club, an active hobby, a sport)? Would becoming so involved help you feel better, do you think?
Is your work too demanding? Are you able to manage the resulting stress?
Lifestyle Indicators
§ Education
Many modern jobs and careers require that workers be educated before they are qualified to be hired. Most Western nations provide public education up to high school level, but the quality of that education varies considerably. Some students end up doing well in school, while others are not supported well and fall through the cracks. Later in life, they may not be eligible for particular positions because they did not complete schooling. Some students would like to go on for specialized study (e.g., college, graduate school, certifications) but cannot afford to do so. Some students get themselves into one career and then realize they might be better off working in a different one, requiring different education. Returning to school as an adult with adult responsibilities is often seen as a daunting task. Consider the following questions to determine whether your educational attainments (or lack thereof) are part of your problem.
§
§ Are there topics you would like to learn more about?
§ Are you satisfied with your educational attainment (what you've learned, the degree you've obtained)?
§ Would it help your career if you were more educated?
§ Do you enjoy taking courses or reading to learn? Would you liked to be part of something through which you could learn (workbooks, workshops, groups, and clubs, such as a book club or society)?
§ Money
The amount of money you are able to earn determines how well you will live; whether you will be hungry or not, whether you have permanent shelter or a home or not, and how well you can dress. A certain minimum of money is necessary just to survive. Beyond survival, many people make their money into the defining measurement of their lives and judge how successful they are in relationship to how much they can spend. Many people go deeply into debt on credit cards in order to finance a status-conscious lifestyle that is beyond their means. They may spend money on short term luxuries such as a fancy car and not on longer term necessities such as health insurance, and savings for retirement. Consider the following questions to help yourself determine whether your relationship to money is part of the problem.
§ Do you worry about money?
§ Do you have enough income to meet your expenses?
§ Do you have health insurance?
§ Do you save enough money so that you'll have some set aside in the event of an emergency or for retirement?
Are you satisfied with how you live (e.g., your housing, diet, transportation, entertainment, etc.)? Self Identity Problems
§ Identity
People's identity is rooted in their identifications; in what they associated themselves with. What a person associates him or herself with is ultimately who that person is, for all identity is ultimately in relationship to something else. An American person identifies himself or herself as "American", for example, and that becomes part of that American person's identity. The same person might identify themselves as male (or female), a member of a particular religious group, a brother or sister, a child, an employee, etc. Even more personally, they may identify themselves as a loser, as someone who is helpless to influence the course of their lives, or as someone who needs to hate a particular religious group simply because that is what members of their own religious group are "supposed" to do. Though such personal beliefs may have no basis in reality, they often are taken at face value by the people who hold them. Such people act on their mistaken or irrational beliefs and end up creating problems for themselves.
Identity is not just what you know; it is also how you know. People are not born with an identity. Rather, identity is something that evolves over time. Young children have simple identities and see things in an overly simple, generally self-serving manner. As people grow older and wiser, they identify themselves with other people, places and things in increasingly sophisticated ways and start to grow out of this initial selfishness. A young child may see her mother as a creature that exists solely to take care of her, but an older child will often start to appreciate that her mother has needs of her own, and start acting less selfishly towards her mother so as to take that knowledge into account. Sometimes life events interrupt this natural progression from selfishness to thoughtfulness and people's identities stop growing. Such people may be chronologically adults, but relate to others in the selfish manner characteristic of a younger child, creating problems for themselves and the people around them when their selfish expectations clash with those held by people around them, who expect a more adult, more "responsive" and "responsible" identity to be present.

§ Whether due to mistaken beliefs or developmental delays, identity problems can cause people to have difficulty taking an appropriate perspective towards other important life tasks, creating a wide range of life problems. The following list describes a few different ways that identity problems can be present. Consider each to determine whether an identity problem helps contribute to your own problem.
§ Low Self-Esteem.
A poor sense of self-worth (also known as poor self-esteem) occurs when you come to believe that you have little value or worth. This often occurs when key people in your life are critical towards you, or when you are perfectionist, and critical towards yourself. In either case, the tendency is to harshly judge, and ignore or play down the importance of real accomplishments, even when it makes no sense to act this way. There may also be a belief present to the effect that self-worth can only be based on the acclaim of other "popular" high status people, even thought this is not the case.
§ Do you like yourself?
§ Are you good at anything useful?
§ Low Self-Efficacy.
Self-efficacy describes how effective and in control of their lives people believe they can be. People need to feel that they have a certain amount of control over their lives so as to be able to get out of difficult situations or meet challenges they are expected to meet. When people believe they are helpless to alter negative situations they find themselves in (a situation called "learned helplessness"), they tend to get depressed. Though there are certainly many aspects of life that people cannot controlled, there are a remarkable number of things that can be influenced. People who have low self-efficacy expectations of themselves will believe they are helpless to influence their fate, however, and will generally not seek to alter their lives, even when they are suffering. Self-efficacy tends to be domain-specific; You might feel confident in one area of your life but feel helpless to influence another.
§ Do you believe you have control over the important aspects of your life?
§ Are you "stuck" in a situation you don't like but can't leave? Why do you think that is the case?
§ Are you a weak person? In what way? Why is that?
Levels of Emotion
§ Inadequate Concern For Others.
For a variety of reasons, some people fail to develop emotionally beyond the early childhood stage where caregivers exist to take care of and to frustrate the needs of little children. Adults whose identities fail to develop in this manner tend to regard the other adults around them as primarily there to either care for or frustrate their needs. It tends not to occur to such folk that those other adults may have perfectly legitimate needs or desires themselves that they ought to be accommodating. When this thought does cross their minds, they tend not to put too much stock in it. Adults who demonstrate inadequate concern and empathic appreciation for others tend to have troubled, conflict-filled relationships with others. They may fail to appreciate that it is their own empathic failings that are causing a large number of such problems, and think instead that other people's failings are to blame (e.g, "So I fooled around a little on the side, so what! Why is (my wife) so upset with me? It's not like I love those other women").
§ Are you a giving, generous person?
§ Is other people's welfare important to you?
§ Do other people say you are selfish?
§ Are you aware of having a conscience? Are you troubled by it?
Overly High Concern For Others.
If some people demonstrate an inadequate concern for others' feelings and needs, other people react so strongly to those feelings and needs that they end up harming themselves in the process. The problem typically has to do with how a person is in the habit of judging themselves. Healthy people are attentive to the needs and desires of others, but retain their own center of judgment If a healthy woman is out on a date, for instance, the questions that fill her mind (to the extent there are questions at all) have to do with whether she is enjoying herself. Some people, however, get hung up on what other people are thinking and spend all their time worried about being negatively evaluated by those other people. While out on a date, such a person would spend his time worried whether his partner liked him or not. It wouldn't even occur to him that his own sense of the date was important. People who demonstrate an over-regard for the opinions of others tend to set themselves up to be anxious and worried. Over-concern for others is related to self-esteem, as your self-esteem tends to be low when you are always worried about being judged by someone else. However, it is an independent dimension of identity, nevertheless.
Does your concern for what other people think get in the way of your life?
Do you worry about rejection? About being evaluated in a negative way?
Poor Emotional Coping Skills.
Some people's problems are not so much that they pay too much attention to what other people think, but that they don't know how to manage the intense feelings they experience when they are rejected. These people tend to become overwhelmed by their feelings and end up "acting out" various emotion-motivated extreme behaviors that may result in harm (to themselves or to others), or feelings of embarrassment, shame, humiliation or regret. They may feel betrayed by friends, lovers or family members and become intensely angry with them. They may start fights or slash tires. They may take drugs or consume large quantities of alcohol. They may act out sexually. They may become abusive They may threaten suicide, or cut or burn themselves. Such people typically don't know how to calm themselves very effectively, and might not choose to do so in the heat of the moment if they did.
Do you have a temper? Do you upset easily?
Are you ever ashamed of how you react when upset?
Have you ever hurt yourself or someone else when upset?

Self Hypnotism

Introduction
The first "noble truth" of Buddhism states a fact that is obvious to many people who will be reading this document: life involves suffering. At various times in life, most people will be faced with one or more mental health, wellness or life issues that will cause them pain in one form or another and which they will want to rid themselves of. People faced with such issues and illnesses have three basic options for getting help. They can seek help from medical or mental health professionals (or people who hold themselves out as teachers of one sort or another); they can choose to work on their problems themselves through a process of self-help; or they can combine professional/teacher and self-help approaches. There are many benefits to be had from professional helpers. In some cases and for some problems, the only real benefits that can be had are had through professional helpers. This is certainly the case with serious mental illnesses such as Bipolar Disorder or Schizophrenia. Nevertheless, professional helpers are expensive, seldom available as much as you might like, and limited in terms of what they can offer. For these and other reasons which we'll outline below, it is a very good idea for people dealing with painful issues and illnesses to learn methods for helping themselves
This document is directly concerned with helping people learn methods for helping themselves manage and even overcome various troubling mental health, wellness and life issues. Self-help for mental health and wellness issues consists of learning about the nature of distressing issues, learning how to measure or assess those issues and how they can be resolved, and then choosing and following a course of action that will help you to resolve those issues.

Taking Action is Key
Because you usually cannot solve troubling issues just by thinking about them, taking action is key to getting any sort of help. This is especially the case with regard to self-help. Just thinking about things that trouble you, but not taking action to change them is likely to be quite ineffective. Even though it is ineffective, the tendency to just think about things that trouble you and avoid taking action to address them is so common that multiple names have been developed to describe it, including "intellectualization", "rumination", and "procrastination", to name but a few. Avoiding taking action on problems is not an effective or useful strategy for self-help because nothing happens when you do this except that your thoughts go round and round. Worry and rumination without action lack a vital ingredient necessary for forward motion and positive change. A car cannot go forward without a transmission, no matter how powerful its engine may be. Like a car without a transmission, avoidance and worry in the absence of an action plan cannot get you where you want to go.
The topic of self-help covers a lot of ground. There are many different ways of helping yourself overcome problems, and not all of them will appear at first glance to be therapeutic. Doing your own taxes, fixing your own car or even serving yourself at a buffet lunch are all legitimate and useful self-help activities that can make your feel better about yourself. These are rather simple, narrow and specific activities, however, when compared with mental health and life-improvement oriented self-help efforts which are usually more complex in nature, requiring multiple actions and efforts to be coordinated before a benefit can be obtained.
A typical mental health self-help effort requires you to pay attention, make an emotional investment in change, perform one or more self-assessments, educate yourself about your problem(s), consider multiple alternative possible actions for addressing your problem(s), decide on a specific plan of action (selected from the alternatives available) which seems most likely to be helpful, and then finally commit and dedicate yourself to executing that self-help plan. All of this must be done before you will see any significant relief or results. These multiple components of a sound mental health self-help plan probably sound very complicated, but please rest easy; self-help isn't really that hard to do or to understand. There is a method to the madness and that method is largely based on common sense. This will hopefully become apparent as we consider the follow example showing how one man named Bob builds himself a self-help plan to help himself solve a difficult relationship issue.

Example of Taking Action (with analysis)
Bob and Sam are two friends who have known each other for years. One day, Bob realizes that he is angry with Sam and has been holding onto that anger for several days. It’s making him irritable and unhappy, so he decides to think the issue through further. He recalls that Sam borrowed his toolbox last week and said he would return it by Saturday, but he didn’t. On further reflection, Bob sees that his anger towards Sam has to do with that missing-in-action toolbox, and the disrespect that Sam's failure to return the toolbox on time seems to imply. Bob hasn’t said anything to Sam about the missing toolbox yet. He’s afraid he’ll blow up at Sam, since this isn’t the first time Sam has not returned something when he said he would. Bob realizes that he has been avoiding a talk with Sam about the problem for a long time. Finally, Bob thinks that, yes, he does have a valid complaint and that he will feel better if he speaks with Sam.
In this example, Bob's realization that his is upset with Sam because of Sam's failure to return the toolbox is an example of self-assessment and attention. The first component of mental health self-help involves your ability to realize that you, in fact, have problems. You cannot develop and put into action a self-help plan if you are not first aware that a problem exists and become willing to pay attention to that problem (to take responsibility for fixing that problem) in a sustained and serious way. You might think that this process of paying attention to problems is easy and automatic, but you'd be wrong about that. Many people have problems but are unaware of this fact. For one reason or another, they are in denial that they have problems. They are motivated to not know about their problems, or realize that problems exist, but blame those problems on other people rather than taking responsibility for them themselves. Only after you become aware that a problem exists, and take responsibility for that problem can you go to the next steps in the self-help process, which involve learning about the nature of your problem, and how that problem can be measured and fixed. Bob's emotional investment in his relationship with Sam helps him become aware that he is upset with Sam and motivates him to do something to make that upset go away. He has realized that taking action now - talking to Sam about the missing toolbox now - will save him further anger over the toolbox later on. He doesn’t want to feel angry in the future at Sam doing the same thing again. The fact that he has been avoiding confrontation with Sam may also be a clue to Bob that he cares for Sam; that he doesn't want to alienate Sam or deliver this message in a way that cause Sam to stop being a friend. He just wants Sam to show proper respect and return things on time. This realization that he values Sam's friendship helps Bob to know that how he approaches Sam about the issue is important. It will better serve his purpose to speak carefully and assertively to Sam than to aggressively scream and yell at him. Mainly, though, Bob has become invested in relieving himself of his current anger. He has gotten clear on what he wants, which is to have his things return to him on time when they are borrowed and to preserve his relationship with Sam. Bob has become emotionally invested in solving his issue. His task now is to figure out the best way to take action.
Bob thinks over the possible ways he can deal with his anger. He knows he has the option to just ignore his anger. If he does ignore his anger, it is likely that his anger will diminish over time (at least until the next time he thinks of Sam's disrespect). He also considers alternative actions he might take. He can talk with Sam assertively, telling Sam that he is angry about the missing toolbox and has been angry in the past about similar items that were not returned as promised. He can also get aggressive with Sam and let himself yell and scream. He can tell Sam that he won’t loan him anything ever again. He can stay mad and shut Sam out of his life. He can borrow something of Sam’s and not return that thing when he said he would. He can booby-trap his back door so that the next time Sam comes over to borrow something, a bucket of water falls on his head.
Bob thinks about the pros and cons inherent in each of the options he has generated for handling his dispute with Sam, evaluating each one for how well it will help him get to his ideal outcome - where he is able to remain friends with Sam but still get Sam to realize that he needs to return things on time. Bob decides that his best option is to be assertive with Sam, telling Sam that he needs to return the missing toolbox now, and that he can still borrow tools in the future, but only if he returns those tools on the agreed date. He further decides to tell Sam that Sam's failure to return the toolbox on time has left him feeling taken advantage of and disrespected, that he has been inconvenienced at times in the past by not returning the tools on time, and that he has been feeling angry about Sam's repetitive pattern of not returning things on time. Bob decides he will talk to Sam this evening, when he goes over to Sam's house to watch the ball game on TV. He decides he’ll keep his voice calm and will sit while he talks to Sam. He decides that he will reassure Sam that they are still friends if Sam seems upset by the conversation, but that he’ll stay firm about the borrowing regardless of how Sam reacts. He decides to tell Sam that if he can’t be sure he’ll return an item when he says, he shouldn’t borrow it from Bob. He’ll also tell Sam that if he doesn’t return any item on time in the future, he’ll be saying no about any further borrowing, even though he hopes never to have to turn down a request from Sam.
All of this decision-making constitutes a plan, one that Bob is dedicated to implementing. If Sam is a reasonable person too and a friend, he’ll probably apologize and swear to return any borrowed items on time in the future. If he isn’t reasonable about the issue, though, at least Bob will have done the best he could and be rid of his uncomfortable pent up anger at Sam's irresponsible behavior. Bob need not make Sam’s reaction to the conversation his own concern. He chooses, instead, to practice what therapists call, "good boundaries," by realizing he can only be responsible for his own feelings.


Steps in the Self-help Process
Bob's problem solving process example above shows how a good mental health self-help plan can be arrived at. Bob becomes aware that there is a problem (by paying attention to his feelings), commits himself to solving that problem (by taking responsibility for the problem and making an emotional investment towards solving it), and considers his action options in the light of both his own and his friend's personalities (by performing a self-assessment, and by considering the various alternatives). He chooses the best of the options he generates (selecting the most appropriate actions for meeting his goals) and then finally makes a commitment to himself that he will carry that plan out. He carries through on his intention by actually speaking with his friend later that night. You can use Bob's general pattern for creating a useful self-help plan to create your own self-help plan
We can further clarify how to create a good self-help plan by describing each step in the planning process in some detail. We encourage you to use these steps in planning your own self-help efforts; these steps will help you to make sure that your self-help efforts have the best chance of producing good results for you.
Decide whether to seek professional help or to pursue self-help. Before you launch into a self-help process, you need to know that self-help is an appropriate means of addressing your issues. Self-help is not appropriate as a means of treatment when you are dealing with serious illness, or when you have reason to believe your judgment may be compromised. It is a more appropriate path to pursue when you are dealing with less serious, non-life-threatening conditions.

Steps 1-4: Problem Analysis
1. Understand Your Problem. You must understand the issue, problem or symptom you are experiencing before you can realistically try to figure out what to do about it. As a first step towards self-help, take steps to understand the nature of your problem or issue. Watch for any tendency you might have to externalize your problem (e.g., to see the cause of your problem in someone else's actions rather than your own). Own up to any responsibility you may have for creating or maintaining the problem. Understanding your problem requires that you take some time to identify the nature of your problem; what might be causing that problem and why and how it has become an issue for you. Because mental health and life issues are usually troubling and anxiety provoking, there is a tendency to get emotional while thinking about them. It is easy to get distracted or fooled by self-defensive feelings when you get emotional, and also easy to act on mistaken perceptions. In your "panic" to avoid dealing with your problem you may minimize it inappropriately (concluding that it is less of a problem than it really is), or exaggerate it (making a "mountain out of a molehill"). You may not want to admit your own role in creating or maintaining the problem, and instead, inappropriately blame others for your own failings. Think carefully about the nature of your problem rather than just going with your first impression or urge. If possible, talk with trusted others about your problem to gain their (hopefully unbiased) perspective. Do your best to relax, to be honest, and to not be defensive about your situation. Letting go of your emotion (anxiety, depression, panic, etc. when thinking about and reading up on your issue (as much as this is possible to accomplish) will help you to learn whether you are really motivated to change or not and whether you would be better off seeking professional assistance vs. trying a self-help approach.Example: Bob recognized his anger and the reason for it (e.g., Sam’s borrowing the toolbox and not returning it when he said he would). He also admitted to himself that he was still mad about past times Sam and borrowed things from him, and he hadn’t said anything about it to Sam those times.
2. Break The Problem Down Into Small Parts. Even when you understand what your problem is, it may be too big and too well established for you to figure out how to fix all at once. Instead of trying to tackle the entire problem all at once, break it down into manageable parts. Then, make a plan for how you will fix or address each part separately. Example: Since Bob knows he really is in control of his anger enough to talk with Sam, and that he still values his friendship with Sam, he decides to talk with him about the borrowing rather than yelling at him or starting a fight. Bob is calling on his strengths in this situation; his ability to talk with Sam and to do so reasonably and calmly even when angry, while also recognizing and honoring his feelings of friendship for Sam. Although this example is not really a very complex problem, Sam has still taken the time to break the problem down into multiple separate parts. He needs to figure out a way to 1) stop feeling upset, 2) get his tools back, and 3) preserve his relationship with Sam if possible. Separating out his varying goals and desires for how the situation should come out has helped him to decide how to best handle the situation. This same knowledge will continue to illuminate what his next steps should be, if more are needed.
3. Define Problem Goals. For each of your small manageable problem parts, figure out what your goals are; where you want to end up at the end of the self-help process for each part of your problem. If you don't know what you are working towards, you will never know when you've arrived there. Example: Bob has identified three goals; 1) to stop the distress his feeling of anger at Sam is causing; 2) to get his toolbox back from Sam on time; and 3) to maintain his friendship with Sam.
4. Decide How To Measure Progress Towards Goals. Find ways to measure progress you make towards accomplishing each of your problem goals, so that you will always know: 1) what your problem starting point looked like, 2) how far you've come towards meeting your goals at any given moment, and 3) how you'll know when you've met your goals and are done. Example: Bob's first opportunity to measure his progress towards meeting his goals comes when he talks with Sam. Whether or not Sam gets upset with Bob is out of Bob's control, so Bob cannot legitimately measure his success by how Sam reacts. Instead, he determines that he will have met his goal if he is able to say what he wants to say in a clear, calm and firm manner while doing his best to not alienate his friend. Whether or not Sam returns the missing toolbox is another opportunity for Bob to measure the success of his communication with Sam. Bob can monitor how well Sam does at returning tools he borrows on time in the future. If any of these events don’t go well, then Bob will know he needs to not lend Sam anything he needs to have back in a timely manner.
2.
Steps 5-7: Planning a Solution
5. Educate Yourself About Problem Solutions. Learn about the different methods available for helping yourself manage your problems and issues. You may not know what to do about your issue at first, but it is overwhelmingly likely that other smart people have thought and written about how to best solve the problem you are experiencing. Read what these authors have to say about solving your problem. Alternatively, consult with other people whose opinions you respect, asking them how they have solved problems similar to the one you are faced with. Example: Bob isn't necessarily aware of this, but his decision with regard to how he will approach Sam about his toolbox can be understood in terms of assertiveness theory, which is a way to think about problems people have in communicating with one another. Basically, people's communications can be classified into one of three categories: Aggressive communications (where one person abuses another person), Passive communications (where one person allows another person to abuse them by not defending themselves), and Assertive communications (where one person defends themselves against another's abuse, but does not attempt to abuse the other person in turn). In our example, Bob chooses to act assertively in his communication with Sam (by stating clearly that he is upset and wants his tools back, while also communicating that he values the friendship), rather than aggressively (where he might 6. Choose The Best Solution For You. After learning as much as you can about different ways your problem can be solved, make choices about which of these ways will work best for you personally, based on your understanding of your own strengths and weaknesses. Example: Bob clearly chose to use his strengths (in keeping his temper under control, in being willing and able to speak his mind clearly) to resolve his problem. He may not have been particularly aware that these abilities of his are strengths. Nevertheless, he chose a plan that made good use of what he knew he could accomplish, given the situation he found himself in.
7. Write Your Plan Down. Having figured out: 1) what problems you wish to change; 2) how to break those problems down into small, manageable parts; 3) what your goals and objectives are with regard to your problems; 4) how you will measure progress towards addressing your problems; 5) what your problem-solving options are (various ways your problems might be approached); and 6) which methods and options will work best for your specific situation and personality, then sit down and actually create a plan. Write your plan down on paper or in a computer file, choosing which methods, techniques and approaches you will use as you carry out your plan, and what deadlines you will keep to. Write down a separate plan for each manageable problem and goal you have identified.
Example: If Bob were to write down his plan, it would look something like this:
Goal 1 -- To stop the anger I feel toward Sam.
§ Method - Talk with Sam about returning the things he borrows to me on time.
§ Measurement - Relief at having said what I plan to say.
§ Deadline - This evening.
Goal 2 -- To get the items back from Sam when I expect them.
§ Method - Tell Sam exactly what I want and explain that I won’t lend to Sam again if Sam doesn’t return something to me when he says he will.
§ Measurement - 1) Sam returns something he borrows next on time or doesn’t. (If he doesn’t, I stop lending to Sam.) 2) Sam returns future items he borrows on time or doesn’t. (If he doesn’t, I stop lending to Sam.)
§ Deadlines - Next time Sam borrows and the times after that.
Goal 3 -- To maintain my friendship with Sam.
§ Method - When I talk with Sam this evening, I will stay calm and reasonable and use "I" statements" to explain how I feel, in spite of my anger.
§ Measurement - I will know I have succeeded if I carry out this method as described here, but the rest will be up to Sam.
§ Deadline - I will know the friendship has been maintained by our interactions and activities together over the next several weeks
yell at Sam and call him a "freeloader") or passively (where he might swallow his anger and let Sam get away with being late yet again).


Steps 8 and 9: Taking Action
8. Act On Your Plan. Put your plan into action, and commit to sticking with it, though it might be uncomfortable or inconvenient to do so. Dealing with your problem now will help your problem from getting larger, more distressing, more complicated and overall worse than it already is. Acting now will also help you avoid regrets you might have later on for not acting as soon as reasonably possible, before the problem got worse. Deal with your problem now; Problems rarely just go away on their own.One thing that keeps people from committing to a self-help plan is the fear that they don't know enough yet to choose the best plan. Rather than risk acting on a less-than-optimal plan, some people simply don't at at all. Try to avoid letting this happen to you. It is not necessary that you have the very best self-help plan possible in order for it to work. It only needs to be a "good-enough" plan in order to work. Your plan need not be fixed, unchanging and set-in-stone. As you act on your initial plan, you will learn new information about what you can and cannot accomplish. You may become aware of new ways for addressing your problem that you didn't know about at first. You will learn what approaches work and don't work for you personally. Your goals regarding what you want to accomplish may change as well as you go along. You can modify your plan so as to accommodate what you learn so that your plan grows and improves as you grow and improve.
Example: Despite all his careful planning and clear communication, Bob may find that Sam never does return that toolbox. Bob may ask himself whether he wants to continue his friendship with Sam at all, or whether he wants to maintain the friendship as it is but refuse any further requests Sam makes to borrow things. How Bob decides to handle his relationship with Sam will depend on how Sam reacts, and how Bob feels about Sam's reaction. It may occur to Bob that he has the same problem expressing his anger and standing up for himself with other people; that his assertiveness issue is not limited to his interaction with Sam. If this is the case, Bob could then write a new plan based on a new, more general goal of learning how to become more assertive when he is faced with irresponsible or insensitive behavior. He will have already asserted himself towards Sam, so he’ll likely feel that he can learn to assert himself towards others as well.
9. Stick With The Plan, Despite Relapses. The final important part of self-help involves learning to stick to your plan even when you relapse. Relapse occurs when you fail to do the things you said you would do in your plan. Relapses are common. They occur because the old habits and ways of doing things that have contributed towards you having issues and problems in the first place are quite strong and deeply ingrained into your mind and body. It is always easier to continue doing what you are used to doing than to make changes, even when those changes are good for you. Understand that relapses are likely to happen from time to time (and especially likely when you become stressed) and that they aren't the end of the world when they do happen. When you relapse, you need to simply admit it, and get back to working on your self help plan. Forgive yourself for your failure and get back to moving forward with your plan. When it comes to self-help efforts, the only relapse that ultimately really counts is the one that you don't recover from. Example: Let’s say that Bob lets Sam get away with not returning that toolbox this time and doesn't say anything about it to him. Let's also say that he continues to let Sam borrow things. After all the time Bob has spent developing a self-help plan for asserting himself to Sam, this failure to take action would constitute a relapse. It would be easy for Bob to relapse into passivity with regard to Sam. After all, he feels friendly toward Sam and probably doesn't want to rock the boat with his friend. Yet, Bob knows at some level that it continues to make him angry whenever Sam takes advantage of their friendship. He knows that if he continues to let Sam's bad behavior go unchecked that he will probably get angrier and be inconvenienced again in the future when Sam doesn’t return some other tool he has borrowed. Allowing this to happen wouldn’t be good for Bob and it wouldn’t be good for his friendship with Sam either. Recognizing this, Bob decides to say "No" to Sam the next time Sam asks to borrow something, and then actually does say "No" when Sam next asks to borrow something. Although Bob relapsed from his original plan, he later decides to get back on track with his plan. It probably feels uncomfortable for him to assert himself in this manner, but probably it is ultimately more comfortable for him to assert himself than to seethe with unexpressed anger again and again. By choosing to go back to acting on his self-help plan for asserting himself and setting limits on Sam, Bob creates a chance for preserving his friendship with Sam. If Bob never says anything to Sam and keeps letting Sam's bad behavior slide he will probably end up feeling permanently disrespected by Sam and may end their friendship (an outcome Bob would like to avoid if possible).

Steps to Self-Help Overview
Making a formal step-by-step self-help plan, as we're recommending above, might seem foreign and 'stiff' to you, but it is a good idea to work through the process step by step nevertheless. Doing so helps you to be clear on what your plan is exactly. It helps you to make sure that your plan makes sense.
Working through the creation of a self-help plan in step-by-step fashion is a formalization of the way you probably already approach problem solving. You probably already unconsciously go through many of these steps when making decisions that affect your mental health. For instance, you might already choose to avoid the stress of working with someone you find difficult by not volunteering to be involved on committees with that person. You may choose not to travel by air to visit family, but instead to drive, because you fear flying. You might choose to work in a job that doesn't involve much human interaction because you know you don’t have the psychological stamina to deal with a lot of human interaction. You are probably already taking steps to figure your problems out, running through alternatives on how you might handle though problems and then choosing to act on alternatives that make the most sense. By asking you to write your self-help plan down, we're just encouraging you to become more conscious of this self-help planning process so that your plans will be as solid and useful as they can be
We make self-help choices and decisions all the time, big and small, and on a daily basis. Writing things down and making the process more formal and conscious is a good idea because we have learned from experience that when people do so, they tend to take the process more seriously, and then are able to create better self-help results for themselves. Much of self-help is common sense, but common sense is often exactly what we lack when we're under stress or other emotional strain. Creating a formal plan helps you stick to your own common sense during times when you wouldn't otherwise remember to do it or would otherwise become distracted by conflicting feelings and emotions.
Benefits of Self-help
There are many good reasons for taking a self-help approach towards addressing your problems and issues.
§ Self-help is empowering. Developing a self-help plan keeps you in control of your own destiny. The skills and methods you learn while engaging in the self-help process are likely to be generally helpful to you across many different aspects of your life. It is also emotionally satisfying to address issues on your own; doing so helps you to feel like a responsible and capable adult
§ Self-help means a customized plan. Designing your own self-help plan means that you can customize your efforts so that they fit your particular strengths and weaknesses, and reflect your personal choices about how to best address your specific issues.
§ Self-help makes other people feel good about you. Your decision to engage in self-help provides some assurance to other people who may be upset with you because of your issues that you are working on your issues and taking steps to overcome them. In many cases, your self-help efforts will be noticed and appreciated by those people around you who care about you or count on you.
You become a role model. If you have children, your pursuit of self-help is an excellent way to teach your children to be self-sufficient and capable when they grow up.
Self-help makes you a better, wiser person. By increasing your self-awareness capabilities, self-help efforts can help you learn to recognize potential problems before they occur (or at least early on in their progression) so that you can head them off before they become substantial. As your objectivity (your ability to see things as they are, rather than how you would like them to be) increases, you’ll find yourself increasingly able to be your own best adviser, steering yourself away from bad decisions and towards good ones with a minimum of fuss.
Self-help can be a time saver. Pursuing self-help efforts saves you the time you might otherwise need to spend with a therapist or counselor who could help you with your problems.
Self-help is private. If you are a private person who gets uncomfortable with the thought of sharing secrets with others, self-help can save you the embarrassment of sharing your issues and problems with another person.
Self-help is available and inexpensive. Self-help is generally free of cost and free or inexpensive to learn about. If you live in a rural area or small town, self-help may be one of the only good options available to you for receiving help.
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Disadvantages of Self-help
There are also sometimes significant disadvantages to self-help approaches as well.
§ You may lack the perspective to properly understand the nature of your issues. Your ability to help yourself will only be as good as your ability to be objective and clear about what the nature of your issues is. It is notoriously difficult to sort out, on your own, what your issues are really about. You may lack enough objectivity and perspective to make a true and accurate assessment or judgment concerning your own issues at this point. There are many ways that people find to deny or distort the truth of what is going wrong in their lives, even when such denial strategies do not serve their long term interests. In fact, there is a whole psychological literature that has developed to catalog the various defense mechanisms that people use to avoid knowing uncomfortable truths. For example, some people engage in a type of denial called "externalization". In this case, they are aware that something is wrong, but mistakenly think that the problem is caused by other people around them, instead of being due to themselves. Other people project their own troubling feelings onto other people just like a movie projector casts an image onto a screen. They may be angry people who aren't in touch with that fact. Instead of realizing that they are themselves angry, they project their anger onto others, and come to believe that it is other people who are angry. Such people believe that other people are picking fights with them (when they really aren't), and then "defend themselves" by picking fights themselves. Still other people engage in "workaholism". They escape from their problems by burying themselves in work to the point where they never have time to think about what drove them to do that in the first place. There are many more defense mechanisms than we've listed here. You can read more about defense mechanisms here (LINK to Defense Mechanism section of this document far below). You could easily be in denial about your problems and using some sort of defense mechanisms to avoid knowing about them, or understanding their true nature. If this is the case, you are unlikely to be able to understand the true nature of your problems. Since you can't fix what you don't understand, you'll be helpless to solve your problems and may only create more of them should you try a self-help approach.
You may lack the knowledge of how to fix your issues. Even if you are able to be objective and accurate about the nature of your issues, you are still faced with the challenge of figuring out how to solve them. Creating a useful self-help plan requires accurate knowledge: 1) Knowledge of what is causing your problems, and 2) knowledge about how those problems can be fixed. People aren't born knowing how to fix problems. It takes access to resources and the willingness to read and study those resources before you can determine the best methods for helping yourself. Not everyone is able or willing to do this work.
You may lack the motivation or will-power to stick to a self-help plan. There is a final issue as well. Even if you know what to do to solve your problem, you aren't always able to stick to your plan and follow through well enough to benefit from your plan. Creating and maintaining the motivation necessary to stick to a self-help plan can be a very difficult thing to accomplish. Not everyone is able to motivate and discipline themselves sufficiently well, even when they are dealing with painful problems they very much want to solve.
Should you get stuck at any point during the self-help process, the best think you can do is to consult with a professional therapist or counselor specialized in addressing the sort of problems you are trying to work through. Professional therapists and counselors are trained to be objective observers of those people who come to them with problems. They assess issues raised with them according to well-established scientific and clinically based concepts and theories, and are able to guide their clients towards approaches that have been tried and tested for effectiveness. Professionals can help their clients to recognize when they are straying from the right path, and also provide support and encouragement for getting back on the path towards effective change. Finally, therapists and counselors provide their clients with important corrective feedback that they might not otherwise be able to provide themselves. Such feedback helps clients to recognize and overcome barriers and diversions to their progress.
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When Self-help Is Inappropriate
Some mental health issues are simply too challenging and serious to safely address on your own. Some mental illnesses (otherwise known as psychiatric disorders), including bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and related disorders, and severe forms of depression, for example, require medication in addition to psychotherapy and/or participation in a psychiatric rehabilitation program if reasonable outcomes are to occur. For instance, people with severe eating disorders need access to psychotherapy and often to medical attention too before they will get better. They are by definition unable to be objective about their conditions and may cause themselves serious harm or even inadvertently kill themselves if they try to treat themselves. Serious mental health problems really require professional medical and psychotherapy treatment; they cannot be successfully addressed with self-help means alone. Self-help has a role to play with regard to serious mental illness, but that role is a secondary one at best.
Medical interventions such as medication prescriptions and hospitalization can only occur with the assistance of a medical professional. When your therapist or counselor is also a physician, prescribing nurse or physician’s assistant, he or she can prescribe you the appropriate medication and dosage that will best support or lead to your mental health stability or recovery. When you aren’t already seeing a medical professional for your therapy, your therapist or counselor will be able to refer you to a doctor or other medical professional who can properly attend to your medication needs.
Milder problems and disorders, such as some milder forms of depression, anxiety disorders and attention deficit problems, may benefit best from professional treatment, but possibly can be handled through self-help care.
Deciding whether a given problem can be helped through self-help means or instead should be addressed through professional intervention is a vital and important part of self-help planning. If you make a mistake in this planning process and fail to get necessary medical or professional care, you may end up harming yourself inadvertently To help you make the right decision, we describe pros and cons of self-help for mental health problems in the following discussion, with the aim of increasing your understanding of when self-help methods will be appropriate for you and when they should be avoided, or assigned a secondary role.
Medical interventions such as medication prescriptions and hospitalization can only occur with the assistance of a medical professional. When your therapist or counselor is also a physician, prescribing nurse or physician’s assistant, he or she can prescribe you the appropriate medication and dosage that will best support or lead to your mental health stability or recovery. When you aren’t already seeing a medical professional for your therapy, your therapist or counselor will be able to refer you to a doctor or other medical professional who can properly attend to your medication needs.
Milder problems and disorders, such as some milder forms of depression, anxiety disorders and attention deficit problems, may benefit best from professional treatment, but possibly can be handled through self-help care.
Deciding whether a given problem can be helped through self-help means or instead should be addressed through professional intervention is a vital and important part of self-help planning. If you make a mistake in this planning process and fail to get necessary medical or professional care, you may end up harming yourself inadvertently To help you make the right decision, we describe pros and cons of self-help for mental health problems in the following discussion, with the aim of increasing your understanding of when self-help methods will be appropriate for you and when they should be avoided, or assigned a secondary role.


Deciding Whether to Use Self-help or Professional Help
It’s critical to recognize that some problems and issues are more appropriately treated by professionals than through self-help means. You should seek professional help whenever you find yourself in one of the following situations:
§ Acute Danger. You should seek professional help immediately if you find yourself in an unsafe living situation or relationship (perhaps where you are being sexually, physically or verbally abused), or if you are experiencing thoughts or urges to harm yourself or to harm someone else. If you are being abused, remove yourself from the abusive situation (e.g., leave the house or apartment) and call the most appropriate crisis service (such as your local rape crisis number or domestic violence shelter number. Call 911 (or equivalent emergency telephone service) if you can't think of anyone better to call. If you are feeling suicidal (you want to kill yourself), or homicidal (you want to kill someone else) call 911, your local mental health crisis telephone number, or your local police or sheriff’s emergency number. The professionals who answer the phone should be able to help you stay safe and find appropriate crisis counseling or treatment for you. If your issue can wait (if it does not put you or another person in immediate danger), call your local crisis hotline, domestic abuse hotline, community mental (or behavioral) health center, therapist, counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist, and make an appointment to see a professional as soon as is possible who can help you to cope. If you need emergency medical attention, you can go to your local hospital emergency room.
§ Hallucinations. If you experience hallucinations (meaning that you hear voices, see things or smell odors that others don’t hear, see or smell), seek help from a professional therapist, psychologist or counselor. You should also seek out the help of a medical professional, such as a psychiatrist, to discuss the possibility of medication. Medication is the only proven means of lessening or stopping hallucinations.
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Delusions. If you have delusions (meaning that you have ideas, perceptions or thoughts that don’t make any sense to others you share them with), seek help from a professional therapist, psychologist or counselor, and see a psychiatrist to discuss the possibility of medication which can help lessen or stop your delusions. You won't be able to generate a good self-help plan if you are delusional, because your judgment will be suspect.
Respected Opinions. If a person you trust tells you to seek help for a mental health issue or problem, listen carefully and seriously consider that there may be some good reason why they have recommended that you take this course of action. Contact a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist or other mental health professional for an evaluation. If your evaluation reveals that you would benefit from therapy, counseling and/or medication services, these professionals will either offer you appropriate services, or will refer you to another professional who will be better able to help you.
Failed Self-Help Efforts. If your self-help attempts are not working, or you find it very difficult to stick with self-help efforts, seek the help of a professional. There is no reason you shouldn't ask for help, as millions of other people do, when you need it.
Alcohol or Substance Abuse. If you have an alcohol or other drug abuse problem, seek professional help. A licensed substance abuse counselor, or similar professional can help you manage both your substance abuse issue and the many problems that inevitably result from substance abuse issues (such as poor family relationships and inadequate social support). You may also require the assistance of residential treatment programs and detoxification facilities. Medically supervised detoxification is absolutely necessary for helping people to safely come off of certain drugs, including alcohol. Trying to come off Alcohol "cold turkey" by yourself can result in your death! Twelve step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA) are one of the better and more available ways of helping yourself stay sober after you've been detoxified. AA and NA offer exactly the type and frequency of support and encouragement you’ll need to achieve and maintain sobriety, and to deal with the emotions and changes that you’ll likely need to address as you remain in recovery. Alcohol or drug abuse or addiction, along with mental health issues or disorder, occurs far more commonly than we used to think. Treatment and counseling provided by a trained substance abuse counselor, or by a mental health counselor with substance abuse training is highly recommended.
Lack Of Clarity. If you find that you just aren’t sure what your issue or problem really is or what to do about it, consult with a professional. A professional, whether a licensed therapist, counselor, nurse, psychologist, or psychiatrist, can help you to better understand what your problem is, and how to deal with it.
One practical way to determine whether or not you need professional help is to look at how you’re doing on a day-to-day basis. If you’re able to take care of all or most things that most people are able to do, such as brushing your teeth, shopping, making meals for yourself, doing laundry, driving, working, concentrating adequately on what you're doing at any given moment, and making and maintaining friendships, you’re more likely to be able to help yourself with certain issues than if you can’t currently do those things. If you’re having trouble concentrating or sleeping, are suicidal, drug or alcohol addicted or are experiencing hallucinations, self-help may be too difficult. If you're really depressed, self-help efforts may be too difficult to sustain. Since self-help requires that you spend a lot of energy on thinking and acting in particular and new ways, consider whether you’re really feeling up to making the effort to do it properly, or whether it would be better to have a professional "guide" to help you along.
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Diagnosis vs. Self-Diagnosis
One major benefit of seeking professional health care (mental or otherwise) is that a professional is often in a better position to accurately diagnose your problem, and point you towards the best treatments available for helping you get better than you are. You may have heard the term "diagnosis" before. A diagnosis is a label given to a particular illness or issue that you might have. Diagnoses are identified by their symptoms, which are the complaints that people make when talking to their doctors. Mental health diagnoses have been organized in a book called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (or DSM, for short). In the DSM, each diagnosis falls into one of several possible categories, including, but not limited to mood disorders (such as depression and bipolar disorder); schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders; anxiety disorders (including panic attacks, phobias, post traumatic stress disorders and obsessive-compulsive disorders); dissociative disorders (including multiple personality and amnesia); impulse control disorders (such as compulsive hair pulling, or fire-setting); personality disorders (such as borderline personality and narcissism); and substance related disorders (such as alcohol or methamphetamine addiction).
One of the first things that a mental health professional will do when you visit him or her is to diagnose you. He or she will listen to you describe your issues and complaints, and fit them into one or more of the known illness categories described in the DSM. Diagnosing your issues is important, because it helps professionals to know which interventions to suggest to you (from among thousands that are possible) that will have the best chance of helping you to get better. Professionals know which interventions to choose based on your diagnoses because they are familiar with the work that thousands of scientists and clinicians have previously done to match particular interventions with particular diagnoses.
For example, let's say that you visit a mental health professional and complain about the following symptoms: You're experiencing severe mood swings, are feeling overly energetic lately, can’t concentrate, are spending money recklessly, are increasingly irritable with other people, aren’t abusing drugs or alcohol and have gone through similar episodes before in your life. Your professional will listen to what you have to say, and will ask questions about your experience to clarify things or get you to talk about things that might be important but which you've not mentioned spontaneously. He or she will likely want to learn about your past history of similar problems and may request medical records from other doctors if any exist. He or she may want to order several medical tests be done to determine if there is a physical cause, such as drug abuse, brain damage, hyperthyroidism or similar problem, that can explain your symptoms If no physical cause can be determined, you would probably be diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder that most closely fits with your presentation (in this case, possibly bipolar disorder). Your professional will know that certain treatments are known to be helpful for bipolar disorder (particular medicines such as "mood stabilizers" and "antidepressants", in this case) and will help you obtain those treatments, along with proper instructions and monitoring for their use. Other treatments that are known to be less helpful for treating bipolar disorder will not be offered. Alternatively, If you go to a professional and say that your major symptom is anxiety, that professional might diagnose an anxiety disorder, and create a treatment plan for you that includes interventions that are known to be helpful for treating anxiety disorders, including cognitive therapy, relaxation techniques, exercise programs, and anti-anxiety medication.
Only a doctor or similar trained and experienced mental health professional is qualified to make a true diagnosis and therefore to make treatment recommendations. Diagnoses are complex and difficult to make correctly. It takes many years of concentrated study to learn how to accurately diagnose patients, and even then, different doctors will sometimes make different diagnoses for the same patient. For example, the family of psychotic disorders are characterized by a variety of symptoms, including delusions, hallucinations and regressed (or "primitive") odd behaviors. Psychoses occur across many different types of disorders, including substance abuse, severe depression; bipolar disorder as well as schizophrenia and related psychotic disorders. When diagnosing schizophrenia, for example, it is necessary to rule out (or exclude) the possibility that other disorders (like bipolar disorder) or drugs (like cocaine) might be causing the problem. To make matters even more complicated, the very definitions of the different diagnoses change across time, as the DSM gets revised and rewritten. For example, not so long ago, homosexuality was a diagnosable illness defined in the DSM. This diagnosis was removed from the DSM in the 1980s when it became clear that it had been included there more because of cultural prejudice than for scientific reasons. Today, evidence from the biological sciences suggests that most homosexuality is biologically determined and thus a normal variation of human sexuality and not a disorder at all. It is rare these days to find a professional mental health provider who believes homosexuality is a mental illness.


Risks of Self Diagnosis
People who do not have the benefit of professional diagnosis and care run two risks when they try to diagnose and treat themselves using self-help methods:
§ Risk of Misdiagnoses. The first risk is that they might miss something subtle but important about their problem or issues which would, in turn, cause them to misdiagnose themselves, possibly with disastrous results. For example, someone might think they have an anxiety condition of some sort, but closer professional examination might uncover an underlying serious medical problem such as an heart arrhythmia The affected person might treat themselves as though they have an uncomplicated anxiety problem (e.g., with relaxation exercises) and completely miss the fact that they have a serious medical condition that requires medical treatment. There is really no good way to reduce this type of risk except to go to a professional for a professional diagnosis.
Risk of Wrong Treatment. The second risk inherent in self-diagnosis and self-treatment is that people might end up treating themselves with methods that don't work at all, which are inefficient, which are plain old wrong for their problems, or which actually cause harm. This risk is heightened when treatments and methods that people consider using are inherently dangerous when misused. For example, someone might try to treat their weight problem with with pills that were prescribed for someone else, or illegally obtained on the street. They might alternatively decide that the best way to lose weight is to starve themselves by fasting (not a good idea at all!) or by engaging in strenuous physical workouts on a regular basis. Research shows that starving yourself is unlikely to result in any weight loss, and may cause other problems to develop, including binge eating patterns which can lead to eating disorders like Bullemia. A non-health-professional person might not know this important fact and starve themselves anyway. Similarly, strenuous exercise might be appropriate and even healthy for some people, but it might provoke a heart attack in someone else (in a worst case scenario), or simply lead to pain and "Charley horse" that would discourage them from pursuing further healthier methods for weight loss.
It is never a good idea to take someone else's pills, by the way, and never a good idea to treat a problem with street drugs! Weight loss pills can be habit forming, for one thing, and may lead to an addiction. They can also cause medical problems. Medication might be safe for another person, but actually dangerous for you! Do not use medication except under the supervision of a licensed physician or other appropriate health professional.
Updated: Jun 26th 2006
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Conclusion
The take-home message with regard to self-diagnosis and self-treatment is that if you pursue the self-help route without the aide and assistance of a professional helper, take care to do your homework first. Consider how severely your issues or problems impact your safety, the safety of others, your own functioning and your peace of mind. Consider also how complex your problems may be and whether or not you have a reasonable chance of appropriately assessing and addressing those problems successfully. If you have any doubts at all as to your ability to figure out and treat your problems on your own, seek the help of a professional.
A surprising number of people will not seek professional help even when it is the right thing to do because they do not like the idea that they require help to manage their issues. If you think seeking help is a weakness, and that only 'weaklings' ever consult professionals, you’ll need to decide whether your macho attitude (for that is what that attitude is, regardless of whether you are a man or a woman) is helping or hindering your progress in solving your problems and issues. If your attitude is getting in the way of your growth and health, then you have to decide whether or not it is time to change your attitude. If in your careful estimation self-help will work for you then pursue self-help with determination. First, however, take the necessary time to understand your issues, and explore all of your alternatives for self-help. Avoid risky, extreme, or un-proven methods and 'solutions' that might endanger you or others (if in doubt, consult with a professional). If, however, you’ve thought it through and have decided that self-help isn't likely to work for you at this time, then seek out professional assistance now. Don’t stand in your own way by avoiding professional assistance.